Letter to my customers

Hi, friendly customer service rep here. Nice to meet you. Now, I know that a ton of you haven't worked in C/S a day in your life (lucky ducks!), and some of you have but it's been awhile. So, to make this process easier on the the both of us, I'm going to lay down a few basic guidelines that will ensure our interaction today will go as smoothly as possible.

1) Please be ready when I answer the phone. You called me, remember, which means that you had all the opportunity in the world to get your membership number, shipping address, payment information, and product ID numbers all ready to go. Telling me "OH! I didn't expect you to answer so quickly!" leaves me in the awkward position of apologizing for doing my job efficiently. Don't make me do that.

2) Please don't cut me off. I know, I know, the last thing you want to hear is another spiel, and trust me, I DON'T want to be giving it to you. But, the sad fact is, everything I do is monitored, and I have certain things that I HAVE to say or I don't get my points. If I don't get my points, I don't get good reviews, which means I don't get a pay raise, and no raises equals a very unhappy Shieldmaiden.

3) Please be prepared to confirm your information to me. If you want to use a membership, I have to verify that you are, in fact, the member (imagine that!). I'm not asking for your SSN and mother's maiden name here, I don't want your firstborn child. I simply need name, address, phone, and email. All of which, I assure you, I could get from Google if I wanted to, so please, don't ask like I'm trying to steal your identity here. Besides, you'd be pissed as hell if I let someone other than you use your benefits, wouldn't you? This is how I'm preventing that.

4) I have NO control over inventory. If a vendor doesn't deliver what they say they're going to, I can't do anything about it. Likewise, if we sell out, I'm sorry for your disappointment, but I can't simply slip into the warehouse and sew a new one for you. Trust me, if I had those skills, I wouldn't be working here. Please don't yell at me and accuse me of ruining your little snowflake's life because you waited so long to get him the pants that Shaun White wore at the Olympics.

5) This is America. We are a capitalist society, meaning that my business is looking to make a buck. Yes, we offer promos and coupons as a method of getting you in the door, but all of these are carefully planned and calculated in advance. As far as I'm aware, we have never participated in the bartering system here. If you say, "I see the price is $300. What's the absolute best you can do on that?", my response will be $300. If you say, "well, I'll give you $225 for it. Why don't you ask you boss if he wants to lose this sale?", my response will be, "this is $300." No, I'm not asking my boss. I know what the answer will be. And shame on you for asking; this is not a car dealership.

6) I am an opinionated person (ask anyone!). If asked for my opinion, I'll gladly share it. But please, keep your questions to things along the "what are the benefits to a 3-in-1 over a shell coat?" like. Please STOP asking me what color I think your girlfriend/mother/baby's daddy will like. This happens ALL the time. I don't KNOW their favorite color, that's YOUR job, and when you get what I recommend and she hates it? You'll call back to complain. It's happened.

 Also, stop asking me what "the majority's favorite brand" is. What you're really asking is which brand is most popular, and what logo on your coat is going to get you laid. You don't want to hear that my favorite brand is the house brand because it's economical and durable. Nope, you want me to recommend the Big Brand that's fairly cheaply made, impossible to repair/replace, and is stitched together by little kids in a 3rd world country because it'll make you look like a stud on the slopes. So, I'll recommend the most expensive version of whatever you're looking for, because you're a tool and you deserve it.

7) When ordering products for the opposite gender... ah, screw it. Guys, when you're ordering an item that is obviously for a female, it is NOT necessary to explain repeatedly that it's "not for you!". I don't care one way or the other, but the fact that you're THAT insecure about your gender assignment is REALLY hilarious to me and suggests that you have underlying issues. (Now, the person who told me she was male-to-female transgendered and was looking for a dress and needed ideas of what cut would be best? You were AWESOME.)

8) Please, please PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, give me 8 seconds of your time to get my closing out. This goes back to the "I need points to get paid" thing. Let me ask if there's anything else I can do and thank you for contacting us. If I don't do these two things, do you know how many points I lose? 6. Even if you hang up on me and it's not my fault. Even if you disconnect my chat before I can get it out. I lose the points, which in turn costs me money. Give me the 8 seconds it takes to get what I need to get paid.

Thank you for your time, I'm sure we'll get along swimmingly in the future.