Moments

There comes a defining moment in every women’s life.

If they’re lucky, they only see it one time. Luckier still, none at all. But few of us live the fairy tale romance of marrying our high school sweetheart, living happily ever after, and never having a broken heart.

There comes a moment when you realize, he’s just not going to call. And try as you might, you can’t stop looking at your phone, hoping every call is him. And then you realize it’s your best friend, and you’re too disappointed to be grateful that she’s calling to provide you with wonderful distraction. You hope every beep is a text message, even though you know his plan doesn’t provide them, and he doesn’t particularly like them.

There comes a moment when you realize that you weren’t enough. He couldn’t look at you with the same light in his eyes that you show in yours. His chest couldn’t fill with the same warmth that seems to want to burst through your own flesh. Your words could never make him smile, or offer comfort, or advice. You can’t be what he needs.

There comes a moment when you realize that you let yourself go. Even though you promised yourself you weren’t going to fall, you weren’t going to care, and you weren’t going to see this as anything more than a temporary distraction. Somewhere along the way, it started to matter. How could you have done this to yourself? Again? What happened to all of our promises to never be blinded again? How could you have forgotten the nights you spent crying, shattered and filled with self doubt, only to wind up in the same position once again?

There comes a moment when the anger starts to swell within the pain. Anger that he didn’t even have the common decency to man up and tell you that it just wasn’t going to work out. Anger that he took the silent door, the simple avoidance, the hope that if he ignores you long enough, you’ll just go away. But mostly it’s anger at yourself, because you realize what a fool you’ve been. You fooled yourself into believing you’d found the one person who could treat you well, and who you would give your whole heart to. Of all the lies that we tell, it’s only the ones we tell ourselves that really matter.

There comes a moment when you realize that it was over before it even began.

Welcome to my moment.